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Dear Zelda, My brother is 30 years old and still living at home with our parents and me (his 26-year-old sister). I’m working as a church receptionist, trying to save enough money to return to college. Meanwhile my brother earns more than our father and could afford to buy his own house. Instead he continues to freeload off our parents and me. My brother doesn’t do his own laundry, doesn’t take care of his dog (I’m the one who takes his two-year-old pit bull to the vet), and does nothing to contribute to the running of the home. When problems arise, he refuses to sit down and talk things out like adults. My parents acknowledge that there’s a problem, but they won’t do anything about it. What can I do to make my living situation more bearable and help my parents stop being taken advantage of by my brother? Sick-of-it Sister Dear Sick-of-it Sister, Sounds to me like a stalemate, and the only one looking for a solution is you. Your brother won’t move on his own, and your parents won’t tell him to get off the couch or get out. Meanwhile, by taking care of your brother’s dog and his dirty laundry (you obviously have a big heart and a bad sense of smell), you are enabling him to continue doing just what he’s been doing…which is not much. Unless someone cuts off this old dog's kibble, he’s going to keep doing old-dog tricks: sit and stay. Perhaps you should make the first move... by moving. It may take you a little longer to save money for your return to college in your own place, but if moving out of your parents' house makes you happy (which it will) then it’s worth it. Trust me, even if you didn't have a dud brother driving you bonkers at home it'd be time for you to find your own place, and with the added stress of a freeloader sibling at home it just doesn't seem worth it to stick around. Negative surroundings create negative feelings and you need to get out of your negative environment into something positive. Who knows, your brother might even miss you enough to clean up his act and make amends. Regardless, you need to get some distance from the situation, and if nothing else, a little space will provide you with some peace of mind and perspective. In the meantime, there are a couple of books you might want to check out that deal with conflict between adult brothers and sisters: Why Can’t We Get Along? Healing Adult Sibling Relationships by Peter Goldenthal and Sisters and Brothers: Resolving Your Adult Sibling Relationships by Pam McDermott. Both have lots of great advice on how to get along with a sibling once the disputes get more complicated than who pulled who's hair. So, sister, you can’t smother your brother, but you can be decisive and distance yourself. Sometime soon you may need to confront your brother about his behavior if it continues to hurt you or your parents, but when possible, remember that when making choices in your life, choose the positive ones. You’ll be a lot happier when you can sit in the comfort of your own place and say, “Oh brother… where aren’t thou?” Zelda Dear Zelda, I've just graduated from college, have a real job, and a new apartment. The only thing missing is a dog. I grew up with retrievers (my dad and brothers love to go bird hunting), but ever since I've been introduced to you I've decided a bulldog is what I'd like to get. I love your face! It makes me smile and feel good. The family retrievers have been wonderful, but I'd like a change and I want to choose a dog of my own. Can you give me some information on the English bulldogs, what I should look for, where I should look, and what I should look out for? I know you're not available, but do you have brothers or sisters? Bewitched by Bullies Dear Bewitched, To answer your question, yes, I feel extremely qualified to tell you about English bulldogs. Not only am I a bulldog, but I hear from thousands of bulldog owners who have passed along some great advice. You may have also read that for the first time in 75 years the English Bulldog is on the AKC’s Top Ten Most Popular Breeds list. Believe me, you want to be careful in selecting any pet, and we bulldogs have some pluses and minuses of which you need to be aware. Let me begin with the good news: my owner selected me because when she looked at me, she saw a mirror image--not of how she physically looked, but of how she felt in her heart. Our short snouts and hang-dog faces convey a huge range of emotion. When I'm sad I look really sad, and when I'm happy I'm grinning from ear to ear. We bulldogs are also very intuitive about your feelings. When you feel like the world isn't exactly smiling in your direction we pick up on it, and we'll be right by your side to comfort you. We're definitely snugglers, and nothing makes us happier than hugs and kisses. That also means we require a lot of human attention. As a breed we are generally easygoing and dependable. Yet in spite of our sweetness we aren't pushovers, and we're not always easy to raise and train. Most of us are extremely stubborn. When we don't want to go out in the rain we will sink our paws in the plush carpet and refuse to budge. We respond best to patient, persistent training. Also, you mentioned that you work and live in an apartment. Apartment living works best for bulldogs that are a little older, as we mature bullies like to spend most of our day snoring on the sofa. A young puppy, on the other hand, needs more exercise. So before you bring a bulldog puppy home, make sure you have the time to train, play with, and take care of a young pup. In addition we bulldogs have our own set of sounds. Because of our short snouts, we snort, grunt, wheeze, snuffle and snore with gusto. It's often how we communicate. For me, one loud snort translates into "it's time for bed." Two snorts means "what's up? You're late with my dinner." My owner finds my sounds endearing, but some people might find these same sounds annoying... especially when you're trying to watch a movie! Speaking of expelling hot air, flatulence is another rarely discussed but surprisingly common bulldog feature. However, with the right food our gassiness can be controlled. My secret, of course, is a good dose of JOY perfume to prevent all the nose-curling sniffs at my noxious whiffs. Personally I don't have any brothers or sisters, but there are many great bulldogs out there waiting for you to find them. However, the cost of purchasing a bulldog can be high (usually beginning around $1500). There are options you can look into by checking on www.petfinder.com, or you can browse the internet for reputable bulldog breeders in your area. Many of the folks who write to me are owners of rescue bulldogs that they found through their local bulldog rescue organizations. Check out www.rescuebulldogs.org for a place to start. One of the advantages of choosing an older bulldog is that you will know their personality and their health history going in. Bulldogs can definitely come with a range of serious health problems, including hip, heart and skin issues, and the cost of keeping us healthy can run into big numbers. While Zoe, ZeeZee and I have had some minor health issues early on (like cherry eye and ingrown tails), for the most part we've been very healthy and happy. I'm eleven, getting close to twelve years old, and I continue to look and feel great. One thing I strongly recommend is good health insurance. It is inexpensive and if an health issue arises, you’ll be happy you have it. My favorite is Pets Best Insurance (www.petsbest.com). I hope my comments are helpful and that you'll spend significant time thinking about your decision, and make a real commitment to look for, find, and get to know your potential bulldog well before bringing him/her into your home. My owner likes to tell friends that no home is complete without a bulldog... and that's no bull and noble. But it has to be the right home, and only you'll know that. Take time, make a responsible choice, and you'll find the love of your life. Zelda Share this column with a friend! |
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