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Dear Zelda, A little over a year ago, my husband of 34+ years and I went through a rough patch. Basically, he thought he was “in love” with a woman at work who was four months older than our daughter. He says they never had sex, that it was a totally emotional thing between the two of them. We’ve been through counseling, he’s changed his job, and for the most part, things are better than before. However he now works part-time while I work full-time and he has lots of time when he could still be seeing her. He says the affair ended almost a year ago, but he also tells me that he would lie to me any time he felt that it would keep me from hassling him and let him keep doing what he wanted. I want to believe him, but every time he is late or gets a phone call, I wonder. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid and expecting too much from him, or if there is still something else going on. Do you have any advice for me? Dog Lover in IL. Dear Dog Lover, Call me a skeptic, but I'm a big believer in the old saying, “Tigers don’t change their stripes” and your husband’s own admission that “he would lie to (you) any time he felt that it would keep (you) from hassling him and let him keep doing what he wanted,” is not good news. How can you trust anyone who would make a statement like that? I’m sorry, but lying doesn’t build a strong foundation for any marriage. That said, you’ve managed to stay married to this man for more than 34 years, so he must be doing something right. Either that or you’re Cleopatra the Queen of De-Nile, De-Nile, De-Nile! It’s time to stop denying your situation and take a good look at what’s happened to your husband and your marriage. Even if there’s nothing going on now between your husband and this woman, it’s clear that you are making yourself miserable worrying about it. Right now you’re unsure if you can trust him at all, and without some trust, your relationship is going nowhere. One of the most attractive things about us dogs is our ability for unconditional love. You’ve given your husband a heart filled with such unconditional love. He needs to give the same unconditional love back by being honest with you. You both need to find a new way of communicating with each other, and a renewed commitment to working together. If you can convince him that lying is not acceptable, perhaps you can hold your marriage together, but he’s an ‘old dog’ and teaching him any new tricks will not be easy. Nothing would be more devastating to you than relearning to trust your husband, only to hear he has betrayed you again. These events, though awful, are also good opportunities to take a look at your own life. Becoming too needy and dependent upon your spouse is never a good thing. You need to develop hobbies, friends and interests of your own. That way even if your relationship does not work out, you have a cushion to fall on, and if it does work out, you’ve used this experience for personal growth. I wouldn’t drop the counseling either. A third party’s advice might help, even if counseling leads you to conclude “this party’s over.” At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who loves us -- someone who makes us happy, makes us feel needed, gives us the attention we deserve and someone who we can trust without having to think twice. We dogs qualify, but does your husband? Let’s hope his infidelity was a wake-up call for both of you and that you can work toward putting trust and happiness back in your home. However, heed my warnings… your situation won’t fix itself overnight. Licks and love and lots of good luck. Zelda Dear Zelda, My otherwise good bulldog, Vegas, has chewed up every bed I have bought for her. Why is she doing this? Is there something on the market that is virtually indestructible? Thanks, Vegas' Mom Dear “Mom,” So your bulldog, Vegas, is a ‘Just Chew-It’ kind of gal where her bed is concerned. Personally I’d never dream of chewing my 1200 thread count Porthault linens, but you’re talking to a pampered pooch that knows the importance of a good night’s (and day’s) sleep. Since I haven't faced this problem myself, I’ve done a little research, listened to my good pooch pals, and have come up with three options. I'm leaving it up to you to choose the Best in Beds: · K-9 Ballistics makes dog beds they claim to be “virtually indestructible”. They’re using your words to describe their beds and they challenge any dog to “just try and chew through this!” The dog beds are made from 1680 Denier Tough Flex Ballistic Nylon and the company claims this is the toughest fabric in the industry. Unfortunately we couldn’t find any warranty or replacement offers on their website, but check it out for yourself. (www.K-9ballistics.com) · Kuranda Dog Beds are guaranteed chew-proof for one full year. These dog beds come with sturdy frames in all-metal, aluminum or poly-resin. The frame design tucks the fabric panel inside the frame making it safe and more protected from chewing dogs. (www.kuranda.com) · Orvis Toughchew Dog’s Nest is made from 1,000-denier nylon. This is a comfortable bed filled with supreme spun polyester and is machine washable. Orvis guarantees that if your dog chews through this dog bed they will refund your money, no questions asked. (www.orvis.com) As an additional note, it sounds like Vegas might just be bored in bed. So aside from a new bed, you might want to consider some added ammunition. Even the toughest of ballistic beds might last a little longer if Vegas had something else to chew on. If you’ve been reading my column you know how often I recommend using frozen Kongs stuffed with cream cheese, peanut butter, or Easy Cheese to keep your dog’s boredom at bay. And one last weapon: when you bring home the new dog bed spray it with a little Bitter Apple which can be found at most pet stores. I hope my suggestions work for you. No more nightmares of shredded beds, just zzz's and sweet dreams. Viva your Vegas! Zelda Share this column with a friend! |
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