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Dear Zelda, Perhaps you’ve already helped another fan of yours in dealing with grief, but I come to you with a heavy heart. My elderly father died over a year ago, and lately I’ve been missing him so very much. The pain is as intense, if not worse than when he died. He had been a healthy person until he got pneumonia, and just couldn’t overcome it. I’m so sad. I’ve lost interest in things I normally enjoy, so I realize there’s an element of depression mixed with the grief, which makes things look and feel more hollow and sad. Dad was a farmer, and spring was a time of getting ready to plant a new season of crops to grow. Now it just is a painful time. Beyond Sad Dear Beyond Sad, I’m so sorry for your loss. To read of the passing away of your father made me sad too, and with Father's Day just around the corner I can only imagine how hard this time of year is for you. But keep in mind there is neither a “right” nor "wrong” way to experience any loss, nor a standard dictating how we should display feelings after the passing of a loved one. As you move through the loss of your father, go at your own pace, with the emotions that you feel, and in the order they come. Live each feeling; accept them. Feeling sad is only a reflection of your compassion and deep love for him. However, choosing to live a full and meaningful life now is the best memorial you could ever give your father. He would understand your grief, but would also want you to remember how to be happy in your own life. Write in a journal, share stories about him, connect with people who knew him and discuss your feelings with someone you really trust. It’s okay to laugh and it’s healthy to cry. Tears are a form of irrigation. Without tears we cannot grow. It also sounds like it’s time to focus some of your energy in other, independent directions, even if you don’t exactly feel like it. Stay busy, read books that feed your mind and soul, volunteer for something and help others. It may be the last thing in the world you feel like doing, but just force yourself to try something. Your father was a farmer, so why don’t you honor him by planting something he loved every spring and watch it grow. Find comfort in knowing your father lives on in your heart. Take care of yourself, and don’t be ashamed to reach out for help. Some of these things we just can’t manage by ourselves. I’d recommend you contact your local health association or hospital for a list of loss support groups or professionals in your area. The National Grief Support Services can be reached at 818-347-8955 or online at www.griefsupportservices.org. Your father sounds like a wonderful man, and his passing puts me in mind of something Pope John Paul II said before he passed on: “I am happy. You should be as well.” Zelda Dear Zelda, I am a 9 1/2 year old male English Bulldog and lately I have not been feeling well. My human companions have taken me to the Vet for medicine for my heart, but I feel like my time is getting short. I have lived a very good life with the best of love and care; I know my human companions will be devastated to lose me. Is there any way of easing their pain? Winston Dear Winston Nothing prepares our owners for the loss of their canine companions. Someone once said that in this world there isn't anything certain except death, taxes, and the devotion of your dog. The one absolutely unselfish friend our owners have in their lives is us. Whether our human companions are rich or poor, young or old, thin or fat, we dogs don't care. When we cross over the Rainbow Bridge, it is no different than the loss of a very close family member. I'm getting up in years myself, and I know that when I'm no longer here my owner will be heartbroken. Fortunately I know that with Zoe and ZeeZee in the family, there will still be bullies around to take care of her. Any way you slice it, coping with the loss of a dog is never easy. You asked how to ease your owners’ pain in preparation for when you won’t be around. I think the best way to cope with such absence is for our owners to treasure our memories, take care of them, and treat them as our living legacy. No one can erase memories: Neither hurricanes, nor earthquakes, nor natural disasters can destroy the wonderful experiences we leave behind for our owners of coming home to a tail-wagging welcome or waking up to a “good morning” lick. Perhaps your human companions should take time to make a memory scrapbook: pull out old photos of you, write little notes and memories to accompany each one and add your paw print and perhaps a small clip of fur. They will cry, but that's not a bad thing, and they’ve probably done a lot of that already. It's a natural way to release the pain, ease the anguish, and honor us. Incidentally there is a great website by a company called personalized pet tales (www.personalizedpettales.com) that can help with this. This company specializes in making memory books that serve as present and future reminders of the love, the fun, and the good times you shared together. They use a Q & A form to learn all about you, and using photos of you and your family uploaded via the website, they cut and paste on textured paper and print all the photos on white cardstock (for archival preservation). It’s a simple idea, but this kind of memory book can remind and inspire our human companions to live life to the fullest… just like we did. Another tip for your owners is that when the time comes they can keep your collar close and in a place where you will be remembered. Perhaps they can place a memorial stone or plaque in your yard. The grieving process classically goes through several phases: denial, anger and guilt, and depression. Recovery is the final stage. Your owners reach the recovery phase when they can come to terms with their loss. When they feel ready, they might want to make a donation in your memory, however small, to a worthwhile animal-related cause. Time is usually the biggest healer for grieving dog owners. When the time is right, your owners may be ready to bring a new puppy, or even a rescue dog, home. Trust me: it’s our doggy dream to have a new puppy or a rescue dog follow in our paw prints. We ‘angels’ understand the need for love, and that's why we arrive dressed up as dogs. Love doesn't need to stop with the loss of one person or one animal. What the world needs is more infectious canine and human love, and if we leave our paw prints on our owner’s hearts... they will remember us fondly and be happy. Winston, we’ll meet on the other side. Wags and kisses, Zelda Share this column with a friend! |
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